I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
