I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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