dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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