$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
