your parents love me but you hate me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
