why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Damn victory sex feels great
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
