I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
