I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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