Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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