I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
