Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
