Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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