Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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