Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
