Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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