is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
