3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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