i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Your mouth is God's brothel.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
