I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
