booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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