just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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