Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
