It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
