I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize