I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize