I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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