i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Porn is love you can see.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
