Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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