why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
