I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
