I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
