I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
