Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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