If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
