I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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