I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
