Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
