oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
