Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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