I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
