She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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