About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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