I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize