booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
