I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
