I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
