she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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