he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
