How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
