Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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