I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize