shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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