sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
