HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
