Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
