I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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