i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
