She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
